As many of you know, I am in a new relationship, one that is based on mutual respect, and authenticity. As we continue to grow as a couple, and show up for one another, I am learning about our individual needs and the expectations for myself. Prior to meeting my current beau, I found myself in less desirable couplings, always settling, and never giving myself the opportunity to live, and love fully. Intimacy was a foreign concept, one that I surely lacked a true understanding of, because of my own skewed view of self-worth.
It’s hard to admit, but I am accustomed to the struggle in relationships. Often having my dreams disregarded, feelings devalued, or being the doormat for someone else’s projections. As you can imagine, a relationship built on such an unstable foundation, can not withstand the dysfunction, and deteriorates with time.
There’s a part of me, the small wounded parts, that I use as a shield, resistant to the thought of being any thing other than my past. It’s comfortable there, because I know what to expect. There’s comfort in clinging to old stories. However, the battle against myself had to end at some point, and so this last year has been dedicated to the alternative; finding that happy, healthy place where both my past and present can co-exist.
Last night my partner and I went through an experience, one that opened my eyes in appreciation. I was having an off day. Feeling sensitive and sad, unable to shake it off. Often during these times, it’s hard for me to articulate my needs, and in the past I’ve turned to my partner, or friends, to fix and change my internal discord. And then subsequently fearful that somehow my issues or baggage was too much to bear, and that the person I relied on, would walk away. However, through consistent work, I have come to realize that being fixed is not the issue, nor is it attainable. Instead, I have shifted the focus inward, learning the value of my feelings, and identifying core issues. Finding ways in which I could tolerate myself, and my feelings in the moment; without the expectation that someone, or something, could or should, alleviate what I was experiencing. With this realization, came action; and I began to take steps toward emotional maturity.
It is no coincidence that my person came into my life when he did. It’s divine timing, coupled with some serious personal growth. I am ready for this. With each moment of vulnerability on my part, where I am honest about how I am feeling, instead of hiding or acting as if, and allowing my partner to show up for me in an appropriate way, I am opening myself up to one hell of an emotional corrective experience.
After some reflection, this is the message I received from my partner…
I will be here. Quietly and patiently supporting you, while offering you a stable foundation to have your experiences. Allowing you to feel your feelings, evolve, and continue to grow as an individual and also as my partner.
I have found my spiritual equal. The one who gets me, offers loving kindness, and also knows when to step back and let me work through my shit. And in turn, I don’t need him to change my mood, or fix the outcome; acknowledgment of what I am going through is simply enough. I am free to show up just as I am; a beautiful work in progress.